for nonas wondering where i have been: (tw: mi, si, weight, sickness)

[bearsanon]

i pretty much backed away from everything i loved and cared about and fell into a pretty horrible depression. i kept getting sicker and sicker and being able to walk and work and go out less and less, and ended up losing a bunch of irl friends stemming from my inability to do anything with them

i had some mental health issues and i wound up hurting myself a couple of times and kept getting jerked around by my horrible doctor and my own self-loathing

then i kept having pains in my abdomen. i assumed it was my ulcer coming back because of my stress, but then it got worse and worse and i couldn't eat and was throwing up blood and even water. finally i was admitted to the hospital, where after horrible cat scans and ultrasounds they figured out my kidney was badly infected, as was pretty much my whole lower body, and that my left lung had partially collapsed and i had pneumonia. christmas is a shitty time to be in the hospital jsyk

i got fired from my job because the days i spent getting my illness diagnosed counted against me, and with the days i already had, i had missed too many so they fired me while i was trying to file a medical leave :(

so now i'm unemployed and they wouldn't give me unemployment because apparently being sick is an okay reason to fire someone idk. oh well. our lease is up in april and we're going to move back in with spousecreature's parents again until we get back on our feet and can pay off all my medical bills. fortunately i was able to get new insurance so it's not hopeless on that front

but! i am doing better. so much better. i can breathe now and my lungs work for the most part. i've stopped having asthma attacks every time i go outside and i can walk a bit better. i lost a lot of weight when i was sick (about 40 pounds) and it is making me feel better. i need to lose another 50 to be at the weight i want to, but if i lose 25 this year, i'll be happy

i've started some new psyche meds with my new, not horrible doctor, and they are helping me to sleep. i've been writing again, and actively engaging socially. my interests are interesting to me again and i don't cry so much. my new physical therapy regimen is helping me and my arm feels better than it has in years (though my leg still needs a bit of work)

i have declared 2012 to be my year of health. i'm taking steps to get my life in order, and to try and take back some control over myself. i've signed up to do some charity and volunteer work, and that's making me feel really good. i've started spending time with my family more and i am learning to cook (so kitchens beware, you're in for a bear~)

my life sucks and it is really kind of hard, but i believe that it's going to get better. i feel good about myself for the first time in a long time. if you're reading this, i know it looks kind of horrific, but it's okay now. i'm going to be okay, and i'm going to keep getting better

i have a friend who also suffers from several chronic ailments, and we commiserated over christmas. she told me something that i wish i could share with everyone in the world - she said "everything gets better in the end. if it's not better, it's not the end." i believe her.

ilu, nonas and bibas

hope u well <3